Transitioned, Denied
by Morkael
Summary: Dilan comes out to Braig with a secret that he hasn't told anyone before at great risk to his own sanity. Rated for somewhat controversial content. Oneshot. Characters aren't mine.


Staring up at the ceiling of his room, Dilan sighed. He had been having the same thoughts repeatedly as of late and they were starting to get to him. He wanted so much to be more than just a friend to Braig but even after months of studying with the other man he couldn't tell if he would be welcomed or rejected. The younger Apprentice was fairly certain that his peer wouldn't mind someone that had always been male, biologically speaking, but the subject of transsexuality had never come up. It was something that Dilan had never enjoyed talking about, especially since it had been such an important part of his youth.

Quietly, still gazing upwards, he wondered, "What would he say if he knew what I am?" Ever since the procedures, he had been stealth, not telling anyone that didn't already know of his previous existence, the years he had been trapped in a female body. He knew that many would reject him if they found out, consider him an abomination, someone that was unclean and unwanted. He was nearly terrified that Braig would think of him in that way.

Dilan sat up and pulled off one of his long gloves, which thankfully hid his arms during the day. His lavender eyes focused on the scars that it bore, that he had inflicted upon himself. He had never realized just when he had scratched through his skin all of those times, only recalling that his short blunt nails would come away bloody every time his hands had wandered. It hadn't been fair for him to be in so much pain every day like that. Even now, there were times when the habit persisted.

"Hey, Dilan. You up for…" The familiar voice from the door fell short, cutting off in the middle of a thought, but grabbed the younger man's attention regardless. There was a slight, momentary tensing of his shoulders before he reminded himself that there was nothing to be worried about, that Braig was just a friend. "Are you all right, man? You look real down about something."

Looking up and shifting his focus to the smaller figure that stood in the door, the ebon-haired man asked, "Would you mind if we talked for a while?" His voice was quiet, concerned, and conveyed the message that it was something important. The hesitation behind it was well hidden but almost showed in his features. It wasn't something he could easily keep hidden.

With a slight shrug, the older man replied, "I guess." He stepped into the room, taking the time to close the door, and leaned against it, looking at the other Apprentice. Familiar golden eyes locked onto the taller student and Braig asked, "So what's up?"

Dilan hesitated, unsure of how he wanted to go about what he was planning to reveal. This would be the first time he'd come out since the procedures and, not only was it to a friend, but it was to the man he had been hoping would love him. It was more pressure than he'd ever expected to face, as though his entire life hung on Braig's response to the secret he was about to learn. "You're…" He stopped, almost out of panic, and forced himself to finish the thought. "You're all right with homosexuals, right?"

The slender man blinked, not responding for several seconds, caught off-guard by the query. He thought for a moment, almost wondering why his younger peer was asking, and answered, "Yeah. They're all right. Nothin wrong with what they do, really." He pushed away from the door, taking a couple of steps closer to his friend. "Why, are you coming out to me or something?"

A nervous laugh and the younger mused, "Something like that…" He took a moment to pull his glove back on, covering the marks lining his arm as the other drew near. He was about ready to bolt even though he was sitting on his bed, with nowhere else to go should he lose his courage.

Braig chuckled and shook his head. "You're not the best at hiding that, man. That strained laugh you have when I talk to you about women, tell you one of my jokes about them, is a dead giveaway." He settled next to his companion, giving that familiar grin. He was close enough that their arms almost brushed together and the younger man nearly pulled away out of worried reflex.

"Well, there's a bit more to it than that." He fidgeted, playing with the end of his glove, hoping that he wasn't about to destroy the only friend he'd managed to make in years. He looked sideways at his elder, unwilling to meet his gaze until he finally got it out. "I…I wasn't always male." Without pulling his eyes from where they'd settled on the floor, Dilan could tell that his friend had tensed, and his first thought was that he should never have admitted it.

The younger student looked up to see the neutral, almost shocked expression. Quietly, he added, "I couldn't have stayed Didrika. It was going to kill me…" Dilan turned towards Braig, watching his reaction, and slowly reached a hand up. "I never would have lived to meet you, to…" He stopped, his hand beside the other man's head, and wished that he had kept his own dark secret to himself. And then he was moving on impulse alone, leaning forward and claiming a sad, brief kiss.

The older Apprentice didn't move, didn't react, remaining there motionless beyond his breathing, and his counterpart gave a quiet sigh. "I love you, Braig…" The pain he was trying to hide managed to work its way into his voice despite the effort he was making to keep it level. "I guess you would have preferred Didrika, though. Someone that hadn't changed the way I needed to." He winced at the realization that his hand had moved, was digging his short nails into the glove that covered his other arm. "At least this way, though, I can say that I did meet the man of my dreams…" The younger student rose to his feet, refusing to look at the other again and let what he was feeling show. "I'm sorry for wasting your time."

A tentative hand on his wrist kept Dilan from moving, walking out of the room. "Dilan…" Braig was quiet, unsure of what he was doing and still not sure that he would ever be able to look at the man who had been his closest friend quite the same way ever again, but he did know that he didn't want to lose him completely. "Don't…don't hurt yourself."

With a curt nod and response of, "I won't," the younger man left, leaving behind what hope he'd ever had.


End file.
